


Accused

by ButtTouchBrigade



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, mental trauma mention, physical trauma mention, tags will be added appropriately
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:29:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5024851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButtTouchBrigade/pseuds/ButtTouchBrigade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU in which Kaidan is the Commander and Shepard is a companion. </p><p>(takes place post me1)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CAT-6

**Author's Note:**

> :') so I originally wrote this as Shepard being part of Cerberus, but I didn't like it so I rewrote the ENTIRE plot and now here we are

Kaidan was getting used to being the Commander again. He thought, after taking his two-year nap, that it would come to him naturally. But it didn’t. 

 

He wasn’t sure whether it was due to the fact that he didn’t know any of his crew, and maybe it was because they were all part of Cerberus. Or perhaps, it was because he’d been thrown into this whole mess right after being told that he indeed had been dead for the past two years. That, or maybe it was because his room was bugged and that a few hidden cameras were probably giving the Illusive Man a clear view of what he was doing. 

 

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because he’d been dead for two years. 

 

That was still sinking in. He shook his head, trying to get the idea out of his head. 

 

He flicked through the files of recommended companions for his mission to stop the collectors, almost bored with the information that had been gathered on the Salarian doctor. Miranda, whom he was finding hard to trust, had suggested they go find Mordin first. He’d read the file, and, even though he didn’t want to admit it, he agreed with her: Mordin seemed like the most technologically capable, and that would allow for them to upgrade their weapons should they need to. 

 

He glanced at the other files marked “OMEGA”. There were three others, which would make beginning their search for suitable companions there the most practical. There was Archangel, who was known for his benevolence on the otherwise chaotic station. There was Zaeed, whose loyalty could be bought for money, which Cerberus obviously didn’t lack, he thought bitterly. Then, there was a-

 

He dropped the other data pads he was holding to pick up the other one, ignoring the clambering  of the other files as they dropped to his lap and on the floor. The words “Ex-Alliance” had caught his eye and he scanned the file for more information. The woman had been discharged from the alliance, for reasons labelled CAT-6. 

 

“Holy crap,” Kaidan whispered to himself. CAT-6 was famous for how dangerous the people dismissed were. They would either have quickly degenerating mental conditions, been accused of mass murder, or been responsible of terrorism under the Alliance’s name. Kaidan had never personally met someone of that caliber, and was not planning to unless he had to.

 

With a few more mumbles to himself, Kaidan stood up from his chair and made his way down to Miranda’s office, ignoring the fact that she could be asleep at this time. He knocked on her door, waiting until it opened before he walked in and slapped the report down on her desk. Unfazed, her brown gaze flicked down to the data pad before it moved back up to meet his own. 

 

“What is it, Commander?” she asked, in the same courteous way that she always did when speaking to him. 

 

“A CAT-6 discharge? That’s worse than the- uh, convict. Jack. Subject Zero, whatever her name is. I was already skeptical about trusting a person like that, but due to her reputation as a powerful biotic, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. But this? This is really pushing it, don't you think?”

 

Miranda eyed him evenly as he fumbled with his words her gaze cold and calculating. 

 

“The Illusive Man believes her to be a worthy candidate for companionship, Commander,” she replied. “His information is worth trusting. She may not be what she seems.”

 

Kaidan wanted to retort that he didn’t trust either the CAT-6 discharge _or_ the Illusive Man, but held his tongue as he plucked the data pad from the desk and walked out of Miranda’s office. He had to give Cerberus the benefit of the doubt. No matter how bad they were, they were his only chance of stopping the Collectors. 

And they’d brought him back to life. 

 

Once the elevator doors closed behind him, he went back to reading the file on her. Cerberus had apparently kept tabs on the woman’s location for years now. There were photos of her throughout the years, although she looked practically identical. Except for the scars that amassed on her exposed skin. 

 

The only thing that really changed was the hardened look in her eye. The newer the pictures got, the more vicious she looked.

 

He scrolled down, through the names of the planets that she lived on, through her contacts, through the list of her jobs. There were even pages upon pages of sexual partners and potential love interests. 

 

Did Cerberus go this deep with everybody else? They certainly hadn’t for the convict _or_ the Salarian doctor.

 

He continued scrolling until one picture caught his attention. It was a photo of her, in front of a blank wall. There was a snarl curling her lip, her red hair in disarray and her face matted with dirt. However, what really caught his attention was her shirt, pulled up to her chest. There, on her right side, running from beneath her hip bone all the way up to her collarbone and across her arm was a massive, mangled burn. 

 

He studied it as he walked out of the elevator and plopped down on the chair at his desk. Kaidan squinted, looking closer at the annotations on the picture. “ _Thresher maw acid_ ,” was the clinical, detached description. He scrolled down slightly, more intrigued in her now. “ _Akuze_ ,” the file read. “ _Sole survivor_.”

 

So Akuze was where she’d killed her team? 

 

He continued, brow creasing unconsciously. “ _Endured extreme physical and mental trauma. Refusal to respond to questions. Violent tendencies, attempted to murder psychologist through strangulation. Death of her team appears to be deliberate. Will not claim to innocence or guilt. Assumed guilty. Commander Shepard no longer capable of serving. CAT-6 discharge imminent_.”

 

_Shepard._ Kaidan knew that name. She was a textbook example of used by Anti-Alliance protesters in the terminus systems of what the Alliance did to their soldiers. Any recruit was warned not to believe the story, that any discharged soldier deserved what they got, and Kaidan had absolutely no problem believing that. 

 

She’d killed her entire team of her own volition. How could her treatment have possibly been unfair? Under the picture was a list of evidence pointing toward her guilt. They hadn’t even tried her on baseless accusations.

 

He kept scrolling, her name now echoing through his mind. She was wanted across both the Terminus systems as well as Alliance space for terrorist acts, more notably the placement of bombs  the political assassinations, and involvement in mercenary attacks. “Recommended to incapacitate before bringing to Asylum D in Sylean Nebula for treatment.”

 

Sighing, Kaidan dropped the report in front of him. He ran a hand through his hair, surprised to find that he’d been sweating as he read. The Illusive Man trusted this woman to watch his back? To take him through this _suicide_ mission in one piece?

 

He rubbed his eyes, letting one, long breath escape him. 

 

He would give her _once_ chance. That was all. 


	2. Finally

Their arrival to Omega was easier than he imagined. He’d heard that the Terminus Systems ignored immigration rights, and every other tidbit of paperwork that was required in Alliance space, but considering that his ship was flying Cerberus colours, he expected at least a little resistance. 

 

When a Batarian mercenary walked up to him, Kaidan thought that maybe, just maybe, he’d concluded their safety a little too soon. The Batarian eyed him warily, before simply ordering them to meet with Aria, and that said person did not like to be kept waiting. Who was Kaidan to refuse?

 

Aria, as it turned out, practically ruled Omega. She had information on everything, which made her very, _very_ dangerous. That, and maybe the fact that she seemed like she could crush you with her little finger. Kaidan had to admit, her one rule was obvious to him the moment his eyes landed on her, but he didn’t dare voice that opinion when she invited him to sit down with her. 

 

She led him to Mordin, who was more than willing to work with them, granted that they cured the plague ravaging Omega’s streets. That task was easy enough, considering what Kaidan had to go through in the past. Fix a few vents, find out that the Vorcha are working for the Collectors, it was all to be expected. 

 

Sort of. 

 

At least it went according to plan. That’s something that usually didn’t happen to him.

 

Then, she led them to Archangel, who, surprisingly, was actually his old crew-mate, Garrus Vakarian. Garrus made little effort to hide both his shock and his relief at finding Kaidan alive. Kaidan, too, was happy to see a familiar face, alive. Garrus didn’t have much time to explain his situation, but it seemed pretty clear to the Commander - every merc band on Omega wanted Vakarian dead, and they didn’t have much time before the apartment complex came down under the pressure.

 

Kaidan half expected Shepard to show up to fight them, considering she was a hired gun. Yet, she didn’t. Apparently, Archangel was none of her business. To make matters worse, Garrus ended up getting shot down by the final mercenary leader they had to fight. 

 

Back on the Normandy, he spent countless hours waiting for the results from Dr. Chakwas. The fact that Garrus had been mortally wounded was the only thing that he knew for sure, and he paced, and paced, and paced, earning himself a glare from Miranda and more than a few sighs from Jacob, until the doors opened and a very ugly Garrus stepped into the room. 

 

After the whole Garrus ordeal, Zaeed, the bounty hunter, seemed contented enough to simply join without asking for something in return, which Kaidan was eternally grateful for. He had been briefed on how the man would like the leader of the Blue Suns dead, but that could be dealt with later. When he knew who he was dealing with and why. 

 

However, Shepard did not show her face during the entirety of their docked time on Omega. When asked about it, Aria simply said that she barely had any information on her. “There are loads of guns for hire on Omega. Don’t expect me to have done extensive research on those who are not important.”

 

Kaidan didn’t want to say it then, he knew of the possible repercussions, but an Ex-Alliance CAT-6 discharge was not just any gun for hire. That woman was obviously dangerous, especially considering her history in terrorism and political assassinations. Not that Aria cared, obviously, but Kaidan felt like maybe, maybe she should. So they left Omega, contented with recruiting the other possible companions, such as Subject Zero, who turned out to be a complete nutcase, and the Krogan Warlord. Who died, and left them with his legacy. 

 

His legacy being a Krogan child. Kaidan couldn’t believe it. His crew was turning into more of a circus than anything. How could he make a child fight a war?

 

It was another three weeks before they made their way to Omega again. By then, Shepard was the only one in his potential crew that he hadn’t recruited. He was walking down the markets, avidly looking for the thermal capacitor that Engineer Adams and Donnelly had spoken about, when someone roughly grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into a small alley. 

 

“Commander Alenko?”

 

It was dark. Very, very dark in that small cramped space. All he could see was a flash of red hair, another hand was covering his eyes. He breathed heavily through his nose. He felt the press of something against his hip and knew, for certain, that it was a gun.

 

“I asked you a question, answer it.” The hand pressed up against his eyes pushed his head even harder against the wall, and he quickly reached for his own gun. 

 

“This doesn’t have to get violent,” he said.

 

“I know that,” the voice was a woman’s, that much he could tell. But it was deep, rough. Scary. “I’m checking your identity.” Just then, his omnitool flared into life, beeping. The hand holding his face retracted and for the first time in those few minutes, he got a good look at her face. 

 

It was her. 

 

“Shepard.”

 

A slow smile spread on her face. “That would be me,” she replied, bowing her head in a very late form of greeting. 

 

“I’m assuming you know why I was looking for you?” he queried, glancing down at their guns, each pressed against the other.

 

The woman clicked her tongue, looking slightly pensive, before she replied. “You’re fighting the collectors, and you need someone to do some ass kicking for ya. That sound about right?”

 

He nodded, eyes involuntarily shifting to look at the way her teeth glinted in the soft glow of his omnitool. They were sharp. Very, very sharp and he felt, for a second, completely vulnerable, even with his gun pressed heavily into her armour. 

 

“Yes, it does.”

 

She chose this moment to glance down at the obstruction between them. The gun. With a snort, she pushed it away, and as she did so, she retracted her own. “Well, you seem real enough. Dunno about that whole dying business though,” she paused, looking him up and down again. “I suppose looking for scum of the Earth like me is appropriate for a suicide mission. Gets rid of me and saves the world.”

 

A suicide mission. Everyone he recruited had called it that. He didn’t want to believe it. He wouldn’t sacrifice his whole team. Knowing he acted with integrity, that’s what mattered. And letting his team die, like she had, was not on his to-do list. She turned away from him, as if ready to leave, when he raised a hand, almost afraid to touch her. 

 

“I want to know something first,” he started. “I want to know that you’re not going to back out on us. Like you did to your previous team. I don’t know why someone like you would make the Illusive Man interested, considering you’re not exactly known for your teamwork,” she scoffed at that, “but I want to know you’re in 100%.”

 

She studied him for a moment, eyes narrowed and lips pulled down in a frown, before a grin broke out on her face and she chuckled.

 

“As long as there’s money involved, Commander. And knowing Cerberus, there’s going to be a _lot_ of money involved.”

 

Kaidan nodded once, and then she was gone.

 

Confused, he walked back to the Normandy, wondering where the hell she’d gone, only to find her waiting for him in the CIC. 

 

“Nice ship, Commander,” she claimed, as if oblivious to the looks she was getting from the crew. He glanced down at her arm, where her omnitool was still active. Had she been scanning the ship? Anxiety pooled low in his belly at the thought of her knowing everything about the Normandy.

 

His attention snapped back to her face when she cleared her throat. 

 

“So, where am I bunking?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is hard sorry


	3. Forget It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you v much for the support! i'm trying to make this fic as rewarding as you hope it'll be! :D

Shepard proved to be an incredible asset to the team. She faded in and out of existence on the battlefield, and each time she appeared, enemies dropped dead like flies left and right of him. He wondered how she managed such agility in the cramped spaces that they traveled through, moving between sniping spots so easily. 

Much like him, Shepard used a combination of biotic and tech abilities, allowing them to create both types of detonations without much trouble. Indeed, their fighting was surprisingly in sync. Shepard seemed to know exactly what he was going to do a minute before he even planned on doing it. 

In short, Shepard was quickly becoming his favourite companion to drag along on each of his small missions. 

However, there was one thing that bothered him about her. It was the bloodthirstiness. Or rather, the lack thereof. When reading her file, Kaidan had expected a woman with the same type of demeanour as Jack - a thirst for death and violence. Shepard was the opposite. She was almost grim when fighting, a snarl pulling her lips tight across her face and disgust obvious when they studied the remains of their opponents. 

Indeed, he’d noticed in the past few days that Shepard had a reserved maturity about her. She spoke to him like a veteran of war would - which she was, to a certain degree. He simply expected… more madness. More need to kill and less tightly controlled fighting. He expected her to be explosive, and to get along well with Jack. 

Instead, what he got was the opposite, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it.

And the worst part of it was that he wanted to be her friend. Each and every other companion on this journey had warmed up to him quickly, and it had made their teamwork incredible. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what he and Shepard’s teamwork would be like if they simply knew more about each other. But she was distant, cold, and calculating, and everything he didn’t want her to be around him. 

Frankly, he was getting frustrated. Chambers had mentioned getting to know her - the real her, not the one in the file - in order to help with said frustration, so he decided to take the first chance he got. 

They had just returned from rescuing Miranda’s sister when he managed to find her alone, and not too busy to talk. He wanted to hear her side of the story. To find out why she was so different than he originally imagined. He crept up to her, watching intently as she placed her sniper rifle down on the floor, preparing to take off her armour. 

“So, Shepard,” he began, and she turned to face him. When he lost his train of thought, she simply chuckled, a deep rumble in her chest. 

But he was too busy studying her face. The only time he’d been this close to her was when he first met her, and then, he hadn’t been able to see much. His gaze traced the light scars running through her brow, across her nose and down her cheeks. 

He was so entranced by her, in fact, that he barely heard her cough awkwardly. “Just… Katja, please.”

“Right,” he said, shaking his head slightly to try and snap himself out of his trance. “Katja, then. Care to tell me how you feel about this whole mission?”

She eyed him carefully, as if calculating what his next move might be. As if she thought that the conversation they were having was just the same as any old battlefield. 

“I’m not scared, if that’s what you mean. And I’m not going to back out, either. You’re safe, Commander. Don’t worry about me.”

He nodded, trying to quell the heavy feeling settling in his stomach. She was as suspicious of him as he was of her, and he didn’t know how to appease that feeling. 

“Not worried about it anymore, Shepar- uh, Katja.”

She smiled, before turning back to the task at hand. He watched as she snook an arm around her frame and unclasped her chest plate, tugging it off with a practiced ease.

“Tell me about yourself then,” he said abruptly, leaning his weight against Garrus’ locker. She side-eyed him as she put her armour away. 

“I’m sure you already know everything,” she stated. “Ex alliance, CAT-6…” He watched as her face twisted into a sneer when she mentioned her discharge from military service. 

“I’m ex-alliance too,” he claimed, as if it would help ease the tension between them. She simply snorted, shutting her locker door with noticeable force. 

“For different reasons, I’m sure.”

“Eh, I did die.” _Please lighten up the tension, please, please, please._  

He was getting desperate here. And, finally, she laughed, and he felt as if a veil had been lifted from between them. He must have visibly relaxed, because Shepard winced and took a step back. 

“Listen here, Commander. I’m not,” she paused, looking down at the ground. “Forget it. My past - especially with the Alliance, just… just forget it, alright? I’m here for your suicide mission. I’m not here to redeem myself, and I’m not looking for redemption either. What’s done is done. I’m here for the promise of money, and when said money does come, assuming we’re still alive, I’ll be out of your hair, and you’ll be out of mine. My time with the Alliance is behind me, and as much as I can tell that you would like to hear ‘my side of the story’, I don’t want to tell it.”

He simply watched, wide eyed, as she turned away from him and took a few steps, before she turned to face him once more. “And don’t worry, I’ll stick behind you no matter what.”

He didn’t really know how long he stayed there, staring at the spot where she’d disappeared into the elevator. He wasn’t sure what he had expected either. Obviously he’d expected something, maybe her opening up to him, or her being more friendly. Instead, she’d avoided his questions and, although quite politely, told him to screw off. 

He _really_ hadn’t expected this. And he wasn't sure why.

At least, she’d asked him to call her by her first name. He supposed he was one step closer. 

Perhaps. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to follow me at handsome-jackmeoff.tumblr.com


	4. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmhhhhhh this is rly hard im really sorry ! ! !

He was still frustrated. 

Frustrated to the point of near-obsession. It wasn’t that he’d planned on watching out for whatever she got up to around the Normandy, but he was desperate to know her better. Since she would not open up to him, he’d started looking at the small things. 

Like what she preferred to eat. Turned out she was a vegetarian, and a sucker for tofu. She couldn’t function without her coffee in the morning and her favourite breakfast was the most cliché milk and cereal combo.

Despite her distant demeanour, she’d warmed up to the other crew members. She spent a lot of time with Garrus and Miranda, talking about Cerberus and about guns, which were basically the only two things that seemed to interest her on this mission. She didn’t leave Kaidan out, either, and he was thankful for that. They drank together at the bar regularly, talking about what they liked and didn’t like in the Alliance, and of their differing opinions on Cerberus. 

Whereas Kaidan was very, very skeptical that Cerberus’ intentions were anything but for their own profit, Shepard seemed to think that Cerberus were doing what the Alliance didn’t have the balls to.

He could respect that opinion, to a certain extent. And she respected his. All in all, their friendship was starting to blossom, but he knew she wouldn’t let him any closer than he already was.

The only line that everyone quickly learned not to cross was to ask about her past. The moment someone mentioned it, she would become stingy and aggressive to the point of physical violence, once landing very calculated punch to Miranda’s nose when she’d prodded too much. Even Grunt was afraid of her, to a certain extent. 

Well, as afraid as a Krogan could get. Perhaps, afraid wasn't the right word. He simply respected her. 

However, Kaidan found that there was a small issue in his demeanour toward Katja. That is, the more they spoke, the more he found himself drawn to her. No longer did he manage to meet her eyes, but instead his gaze was drawn to the way her lips moved when she spoke. Or the way her fingers tightened around her cup when they mentioned the Alliance. Or the way her thighs shifted when she’d sat down for too long. 

He was in trouble, and he knew it. And the only cure for his predicament was to develop a friendship with her. One with her trust. 

So when Grunt came to him, asking for help, because of itchy plates and random burst of violence, he requested for Shepard to come along. At first, she’d seemed wary, but then she squared her shoulders and accepted his request. 

“Anything for you, Commander,” she’d said, in that gruff voice, a smile tight on her face. 

****

He honestly hadn’t expected to see Wrex sitting on that throne. With a hearty laugh and a big clap on his back, Wrex had explained to him just about how much he’d missed in the two years of his death. 

“Should’ve known the void couldn’t hold you,” the Krogan leader said, patting him on the head once more. Kaidan wanted to tell him that, well, the void had held him back for two years. But he had other things to attend to, first. Like the itching Krogan behind his back, who was fidgeting with his rifle and letting out small grunts every now and then. 

“What’s wrong with Grunt?” he asked, unsure of how else to approach the topic. “He described itching plates and…”

Wrex pushed past him to sniff Grunt, mumbling to himself about the kid being tank bred. A few minutes, a headbutt and snarky comment from Shepard later, Wrex explained that Grunt was simply reaching adulthood. Even though Kaidan agreed with Shepard on the puberty (why can’t we just stick him in front of a few chick flicks and feed him Krogan chocolate), he asked how they could help Grunt transition more peacefully into adulthood. The last thing he needed was a pubescent Krogan running amuck in his ship. 

“Meet with the Shaman. He will lead your Krogan companion through the Rite.”

****

On their way to the “Rite of Passage”, something Kaidan still did not understand, they found that Tuchanka’s radiation was really screwing with their communication. He tried to ask Grunt whether he really trusted tow humans to be his ‘Krantt’, but the Krogan simply couldn’t hear him. 

On the other hand, he could hear Shepard speak to herself, but most of it was cut off by static as well. 

So far, what he’d picked up was “get this over with quickly,” static, “off this,” static, “god forsaken,” more static, “infested Hell hole.” Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, but when she noticed him staring, she simply looked away, her face twisting into a grimace that almost resembled, well, fear. 

Was she planning to back out on him now?

Anxiety pooled low in Kaidan’s stomach. Maybe bringing Shepard along on every mission had indeed been a bad idea - maybe that’s why she was keeping him at bay. Maybe trusting her in general had been-

He shook his head. He promised himself to give her a chance, and so far, she had given him no reason to doubt her. Money was on the horizon for her, and peace in the galaxy was in the horizon for him. Well, until the Reapers, anyway. 

He could feel a migraine beginning to form. 

This wasn’t going to be a fun time.

****

Fighting Varren was easy. They were picking them off one by one, Grunt laughing his head off and Shepard visibly relaxing. The weight of the anxiety that had been resting heavy on his stomach started to lift as he watched Shepard move around with ease again. 

When their eyes met, he grinned at her, and she replied with a thumbs up. 

The Klixen were just as easy to fight, even though Grunt did manage to run face first into their line of fire and quite literally set himself ablaze, requiring half of their stack of medigel to fix, but Shepard was laughing as she applies it on her companion, and Kaidan thought, for a moment, that maybe everything would be alright. 

Until they sounded the Keystone a third time. 

At first, everything was quiet. Only the strong Tuchanka wind could be heard, and Shepard brushed her hair back into a short ponytail. When nothing happened for more than a few minutes, both Grunt and Katja turned around, a question on their lips, when the ground began to shake. 

He heard a faint, “Oh no,” over the comm before the Thresher Maw burst out of the ground, its screech echoing across the arena. Kaidan was immediately in fighting stance, gun at the ready and shooting at the monster’s head, but he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Shepard was _frozen._

Eyes wide, jaw slack and her fingers only loosely holding on to her rifle, she stared the creature down without moving, the perfect target for any intelligent fighter. Which, unfortunately, the Thresher was. With another small screech, the creature sent a sizzling ball of acid spit hurtling toward Shepard, and all Kaidan could do was charge and knock her out of the way. 

That seemed to snap her out of her trance, as her whole body jerked once, twice, before she was picking up her gun and mumbling her thanks to him, running to find cover. Kaidan heaved a sigh, before glancing behind him at the bubbling liquid that had landed only a few inches from his feet. 

Once Shepard was back in the game, it became easier to take down the creature, and it died within 5 minutes. Kaidan didn’t watch as the Thresher slumped to the ground, lifeless. 

No, he was too busy eyeing Shepard, who was clutching at her chest, her breath heavy and her eyes wide. 

Perhaps a ‘battle hardened veteran’ was not a title that applied so well to her after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ermmm i dont rly beta anything soo sorry if there are mistakes on this!! > u


	5. My side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What really happened

The next few days were… awkward for Kaidan. Shepard acted as if nothing had happened on Tuchanka. Her behaviour went back to her usual, detached self, not talking to him outside of his time at the bar. The first time he tried to approach the topic of the Thresher, they were unfortunately interrupted by Miranda who needed Shepard to confirm what she was writing on her report. The second time he approached it, he made sure that they couldn’t be disturbed. However, the moment he brought up Tuchanka, Shepard hastily changed the subject with a forced laugh and a clap on his back, saying that there was absolutely _nothing_ to be worried about. 

Except, to Kaidan, there was. Because she had put him in danger, and that was something that he couldn’t overlook, even if Kaidan could barely tear his attention away from her lips when she spoke.

However, her refusal to communicate simply made it harder for him to approach the subject. After a few days of going back and forth between hinting that he wanted to talk to her about it, and simply ignoring the itch at the back of his mind to talk it over, he decided that he could no longer sit idle while she continued her life as usual. 

On his way down the elevator, he planned what to say. He knew he had to be authoritative - he’d noticed that for a while now, she’d been almost insubordinate around him, ignoring orders and doing whatever she wanted on the battlefield. It hadn’t bothered him, but he wanted to make it clear that he was her superior. Her CO. She couldn’t walk all over him, even if she was just another hired gun. 

He walked to her quarters with quickly decreasing determination, slowing to a halt at the door. The second day that Shepard had been on the Normandy, she’d holed herself up in the bar, rearranging the couches there as her bed. Usually, people walked in and out freely. But since they’d returned from Tuchanka, the crew had started avoiding the place like the plague. He’d noticed the increase of the crew members in the mess hall, no longer taking a liking to spending idle time with the mercenary as she fiddled with her guns. 

Which, needless to say, rang a few alarm bells in the back of Kaidan’s mind. If the crew was avoiding Shepard, it meant that the whole of the Normandy could tell something was wrong with her, further urging him to simply talk it out with her. If only she could make it _easier_ for him. 

After taking a deep breath, he let the doors’ biometric scanner identify him. They slid open with a hiss, revealing Shepard, sitting on the couches as she fiddled with a rifle. She had turned off the lights, her face only illuminated by the soft lights under the bar. Kaidan guessed even EDI felt it wasn’t right to leave her completely in the dark. 

Soft clicks echoed through the room from her work on the weapon. Kaidan took his time approaching her, one step at a time. When he reached the edge of the makeshift bed, she still hadn’t noticed him. He cleared his throat, his hand unconsciously moving to rub the back of his neck. She seemed to snap out of her trance, perking up. She studied her surroundings with wide eyes, before she regained her composure, her face impassable. 

“Commander,” she greeted, her quivering voice betraying her stoic expression. “Didn’t see you there.”

“I’m pretty sure we’re at ‘Kaidan’ by now, Katja,” he replied, hoping to lift the weight of their situation. She chuckled, looking down at the gun she was holding. Setting it on the side, she idly rubbed the back of her neck. 

“Well then, _Kaidan,_ I didn’t see you there.”

“I figured,” he answered, letting a small smile cross his face. She smiled again, not replying. A beat of awkward silence passed between them and he cleared his throat once more, grabbing her attention. “I thought I’d give you some space after what happened on,” he paused, noticing her visible flinch at the words to come, “on Tuchanka. I tried to talk it out with you again recently but, uh, it didn’t work out so well. I can tell you’re trying not to think about it, and I’m sorry for having to put you through this again, but you’re going to have to explain to me what the hell that was.” 

He sighed, folding his hands in his lap and studying them. “You’re an incredible warrior, Katja, don’t get me wrong. But if you freeze on me like that while fighting the Collectors, we’re all dead.”

“I won’t,” she answered almost immediately, her lips tugged down in a frown. “It won’t happen again. I can’t lie to you and say it’s the first time this has happened to me, because it’s not. But it hasn’t happened in years, and you can expect me to be there 100% when it comes to our assault on the Collector base.”

“I don’t doubt it Katja, I just want to know what the hell brought it on.” He paused. “It was the Thresher, wasn’t it?” 

Although the question itself was spoken in a voice so quiet he wasn’t sure she would hear it, she jerked back at his words, as if he had physically hit her. She sighed, running a hand through her hair, before she spoke up. “I- You- I know that you noticed how I’m keeping a safe distance from you.”

Kaidan hummed in response, approving her point, although she hadn’t answered his questions, he was curious as to where she was taking the conversation. 

“That was mostly so you could,” she paused, gesturing vaguely with her hands, “develop an opinion of me that wasn’t biased by, well, friendship.”

He nodded.

“Do you?” she asked. 

“What?”

“Have an opinion of me. That is your own, I mean.”

He nodded again. “I suppose I do.”

She turned away from him, then, gazing out at the vast expanse of space stretched out around the Normandy. “Care to hear my side of the story, now?”

Kaidan didn’t want to seem too eager. “Yes,” he said, trying to keep his heart from beating. It wasn’t working very well, he was pretty sure _she_ could hear it beat. Yet it didn’t seem to matter, at the same time. She was finally opening up to him. She was finally holding him at an equal level of trust. 

Instead, he ran a hand through her hair. “Well then, yes, it was the Thresher Maw. Hadn’t seen one that size since Akuze, which I’m assuming you’ve read the report on. It’s usually the first bit of information that comes with my name.”

He nodded. 

“Well, I’m gonna be blunt, Kaidan. That whole report is bullshit. I was framed. My team and I were dispatched to Akuze with the orders to investigate an Alliance distress beacon. Thing is, the beacon wasn’t Alliance, it was just a very, _very_ accurate copy. That was the first condemning part of that mission. While studying the frequencies, I noticed that the beacon was… abnormal at best. When I pointed it out to Alliance intel, they said they would study it and get back to us. I’d like to point out that I wasn’t under orders to wait for their results.”

She idly fiddled with the rifle as she spoke, not really looking at anything. 

“We waited for two days, sending out scouts to the area around the beacon, waiting for the Alliance to give us the results on the frequencies. When nothing came back for a week, I decided we’d waited long enough. That was my second condemning action. My reasoning was that, if the distress signal really was one, and it had simply been damaged, then we were forcing people that were potentially injured or in danger to wait for us. But to the Alliance, I had gone against orders from my superiors. Orders that were never given.” She waved her hand dismissively in the air, with a scoff. 

“Anyway, I gathered by team and headed to it. The scouts I’d sent out had reported no suspicious activity, but Akuze being the desert shithole it is, half the time, our scouts were travelling through sandstorms, so their reports had to be taken with a grain of salt. When we reached the beacon, it was then that everything became apparent. The beacon was a fake, even our lowest ranking men could tell once we got close. Before I could even tell our men to pull back, the Thresher had burst out of the ground. It took me down first.”

Her voice shook, and she paused for a second, swallowing thickly. “If it hadn’t taken me down first, if I hadn’t fainted from these stupid wounds,” her hands moved to her side again and he could tell from the way she shook that she was squeezing _hard. “_ My team would have survived.”

“You don’t know that,” Kaidan said immediately. “You can’t blame yourself for things you don’t know.”

“But I do know. Because when I woke up, I was buried under the corpse of a Thresher Maw. My team took it down, just… not before they all died. But they took it down.” She laughed then, a bitter laugh. That of a person who had been through way too much for someone her age. 

“Anyway, the third condemning part of that mission was obviously the fact that I woke up. I woke up, managed to drag my ass back to our ship, and asked for help.” She snorted. “And what help I got. A CAT-6 discharge for something I never did.” She shifted, bringing her legs up against her chest. “I know I fucked up by bringing my team down there before Alliance intel got back to me. I know it was impulsive. And I would gladly have taken responsibility for that.”  


She glanced over at him. He knew he was staring, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. He simply couldn’t believe that the Alliance would be responsible for something so shady. From all of his time training, it had been made clear that CAT-6 discharges were deserved. He never thought they could make a mistake this huge. 

“But the fact that the beacon was a fake, that Alliance Intel didn’t get back to me for a _week,_ and that I was apparently supposed to follow orders that were never given seems like a little more than mere coincidence to me.” She turned to him. “The whole attack was a fluke. I was framed. I know it. I don’t know why, and I don’t know by who, but me being the only survivor of this _fucking_ attack,” she growled, punching the window next to her, the sound echoing through the room, “made me the only one possibly responsible for it. Even though they knew, they could tell that I, too, suffered from-”

She paused, her hand instinctively moving to her side, where he knows are the acid burns she received on that day. 

“I didn’t do it,” she whispered, eyes brimming with tears staring straight at him, through him, _into_ him. “I didn’t.”

He didn’t know what to do. So he opened his arms, and with a small sob, she leaned into him. He stayed there, rubbing circles against her lower back as she cried. He wasn’t sure how long it was before he let him go wordlessly. 

A few days later, she told him that he was the first and only person to have ever known about it. 

He, on the other hand, still didn’t know who or what to believe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit im so sorry i   
> i thought this was a good idea :')

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for getting to the end of the first chapter! I thought her introduction needed to be a little special, so it's slow!  
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr! --> handsome-jackmeoff.tumblr.com


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